Tribute To Matt Stone Essay, Research Paper
Episode 201 – Not Without My Anus
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South Park Announcer:Since the last South Park you’ve waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman’s lineage will not be seen tonight so we can bring you the following special presentation.
[Honk]
HBC Announcer:Now, get ready for Canada’s hottest action stars. Terrance and Phillip in the HBC Movie of the Week, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
[Canadian Courthouse - 10:18 A.M.]
Scott:Ladies and gentlemen, before you today sits a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O’Dwyer, and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer. That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance.
[Dramatic Music]
[Fart]
Phillip:Uh, Terrance, you farted in court.
Terrance:Yes Phillip, I’m making a case for our defense.
[Laughter]
Scott:All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt
Terrance looks about confused.
Scott:A watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O’Dwyer." "Dr. O’Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in, with my new hammer." Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you’re not God. Je accuse Terrance.
Terrance:Would you like a monkey claw Phillip?
Phillip:Yes please.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:That’s called the monkey claw cause it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.
Phillip:The monkey claw is smelly.
The Judge hammers her gavel.
Judge:Come on, get a move-on, I ain’t getting a younger up here.
Phillip:My sentiments exactly Your Honor. I see from your accent that you’re Southern Canadian.
Judge:That is correct.
Phillip:Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is an innocent man.
[Fart]
Terrance:Oh ho, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument.
Phillip:I have, haven’t I Terrance.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Scott:Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court. They think farts are funny, but they’re not.
Judge:Sustained.
Phillip:Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?
Phillip shows the jury of Terrance with a llama.
Phillip:Of course not. So, in summation, find Terrance innocent, or else he’ll kill you.
[Gasp]
[Laughter]
Phillip:Just kidding. The defense rests.
Terrance pounds his fist on the table as he laughs uncontrollably.
[Fart]
Scott:God damnit, that isn’t funny.
[Laughter]
The judge hammers her gavel.
Judge:Madam Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell out of here?
Foreperson:We have Your Honor; we have found Terrance, in the above-entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O’Dwyer…
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Judge:You’re going to have to repeat that verdict since we had some flatulence issues.
Foreperson:I said, we find…
[Fart]
Foreperson:We find Terrance…
[Fart]
Foreperson:NOT GUILTY!!!
Phillip:Did you hear that Terrance? You’re not guilty!
Terrance:Oh Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber!
[Silence]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Oh no.
[Outside the Courthouse]
Terrance:That sure was fun. Let’s go home and eat Kroff Dinner.
Phillip:Hear, hear.
Scott:Well, looks like you got away with it Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip:Oh, hello Scott. No hard feelings, right old pal?
Scott:There are hard feelings, this isn’t over. I’m going to see to it that you both pay for what you’ve done. And do you know why?
Phillip:’Cause you’re a dick?
Scott:No, because I hate you. You think farting is soo funny, well it isn’t! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I…
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Scott:Oh, I hate you both. I’ve hated you ever since I can remember. I hate you and I wish you both had cancer.
[Laughter stops]
Phillip:Cancer?
Scott:Yes, in the head.
Terrance:Head cancer?
Scott:This is not the end Terrance and Phillip. You’ll rue this day.
Terrance:Wow, Scott really hates us Phillip.
Phillip:Yes, perhaps he’s homophobic.
[Silence]
Terrance:But we’re not gay, Phillip.
Phillip:We’re not?
Terrance:Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kroff Dinner.
Phillip:Yes, it’s been a long day, and only Kroff Dinner can calm my nerves.
[Onboard the Subway]
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Say Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder. He does it every week.
Phillip:He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he’ll try next.
Terrance:God only knows.
Phillip:The subway certainly is wonderful Terrance.
Terrance:It sure is. Let’s look for treasure.
Phillip:Yes, let’s look for treasure.
Terrance and Phillip begin looking about the subway car for ‘treasure.’
[Scott's House - 11:57 A.M.]
[Phone ring]
Scott:Hello.
Saddam:Hello, is this Scott from Canada?
Scott:Yes, yes it is.
Saddam:You’re a journalist, right?
Scott:Yes, I’m a television critic for magazines.
Saddam:I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scott:Yes, yes I do. They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they’re not.
Saddam:Well, what if I were to help you get rid of them once and for all.
Scott:Who is this?
Saddam:Let’s just say that I’m someone who can help you if you help me.
The face of Saddam is finally revealed.
Saddam:Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
Scott:Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator?!?
Saddam:Hey, relax guy. I’m just your average Joe. Take a rest.
Scott:What do you want?
Saddam:You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada; I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn’t it? Super, let’s get started.
Scott:I’m not sure I should trust you.
Saddam:Hey, relax guy, trust me.
[Commercial]
[Outside Terrance and Phillips House]
Terrance:Well, it’s too bad we didn’t find any treasure on the subway Phillip.
Ugly Bob approaches.
Phillip:Oh, hello Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:Hello Terrance, hello Phillip.
Terrance:My God, you’re looking hideously ugly today Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:How come you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance:Because you’re God Damned ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:I know, but…
Phillip:Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out forest fire with a screwdriver.
Ugly Bob:I can’t help how I look. Besides, it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, it’s what’s on the inside.
Terrance:No it isn’t.
[Laughter]
Terrance:Want to see what’s on the inside of me?
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Phillip:Wait, wait. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you put this paper bag over your head Ugly Bob?
Terrance:Yes, if people can’t see your face, they won’t know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Ugly Bob:Really? Hey, thanks you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Terrance:Sure you can Ugly Bob. If they can’t see how horribly disfigured you are, they’ll want to sleep with you.
Ugly Bob:Thanks you guys.
[Terrance and Phillips House - 12:20 P.M.]
Phillip:Hello Barky, hello Purry.
Barky:Bark Bark.
Purry:Purr Purr.
Phillip:Say, Terrance, I was just aboot to make some Kroff Dinner. Would you like some?
Terrance:You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner Phillip.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:I’m going to put on a pirate costume.
[Doorbell ring]
Phillip answers the door.
Delivery Man:Special delivery for Terrance.
Phillip:I’ll take that.
Delivery Man:Sign here and here and here and here and here.
Phillip signs for the letter.
Delivery Man:And here.
Phillip:Oh Terrance, you got a letter.
Terrance:Shiver me timbers Phillip, at this rate I’ll never get to my Kroff Dinner.
Terrance reads the letter.
Terrance:Oh my God!!!
Phillip:What is it Terrance? Did you fart?
Terrance:No, it’s Sally, she’s being held captive in Iran.
Phillip:Not Sally, dear God no Terrance, why Sally, God why? Say Terrance, who’s Sally?
Terrance:My daughter.
Phillip:I never knew you had a daughter Terrance.
Terrance:Oh yes, didn’t I mention that me heartys?
Phillip:No, you never did Terrance.
Terrance:Oh, well, it all began fifteen years ago.
[Terrance & Phillips House - 44 Hours Later....]
Phillip:My God, what a fascinating story Terrance, especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
Terrance:Yes, indeed. But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran, and I will have to go and find her.
Phillip:Then I will go with you Terrance.
Terrance:You are such a good friend Phillip.
Phillip:Well, you know what they say; "A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner."
Terrance:Advance there maties.
[Celine Dion's House - 1:15 P.M.]
[Doorbell Ring]
Terrance:Hello Celine Dion.
Celine Dion:Terrance, this is quite a surprise.
Terrance:You’re looking well.
Celine Dion:And you.
Terrance:Celine, where is our daughter Sally?
Celine Dion:She’s in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?
Terrance:Wrong, she’s been taken hostage and is now being held prisoner.
Celine Dion:What?!?
Terrance:Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.
[Gasp]
Celine Dion:Oh Terrance, what happened to us?
Terrance:We just grew apart Celine Dion.
Celine Dion:Please, bring our daughter home safe Terrance.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
[Canadian Airport - 11:05 A.M.]
Phillip:Hello Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:Hi guys.
Terrance:How’s the paper bag working out?
Ugly Bob:People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.
Terrance:Terrific. We need two tickets for Tehran please.
Ugly Bob:Iran is dangerous; you guys shouldn’t go there.
Phillip:Damnit man. Danger or no, I’m going to help my friend find his daughter.
Terrance laughs quietly.
Ugly Bob:All right then, there’s a flight leaving today.
Phillip:Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Terrance:Indeed Phillip.
Phillip:Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kroff Dinner.
Terrance:Same here Phillip.
Phillip:O Canada! Our home and native land!
Terrance and Phillip:True patriot love in all thy sons command.
Airport:With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free!
Scott peeks out with a walkie-talkie in hand.
Scott:[Simultaneously]Scott to Red Dragon, come in Red Dragon.
Saddam:Go-ahead guy, this is Red Dragon.
Scott:The plan is working perfectly; Terrance and Phillip are taking the bait.
Saddam:Excellent, my buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?
Airport:O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
Scott:Yes, everything’s proceeding according to plan. Now, you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they’ll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Saddam:Hey, relax guy, I’m gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Scott:Roger Red Dragon, Scott out. I’ve got you now you fart loving fart lovers.
Airport:O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
A map shows the flight to Iran
[Over the Carribean]
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:I got you.
[Over Spain]
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Sprayed your face.
[Over the Suez Canal]
[Fart]
[Laughter]
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Ahh that splattered!
[Tehran - 2:30 P.M.]
Terrance:Oh Phillip, how will I ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don’t speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers and we have no idea where to being.
Phillip:Oh look, there she is.
Terrance:Oh good.
Sally:Who, where?
Terrance:I’m here Sally; it’s your father, Terrance. I’m here to save you from your smelly Iranian captors.
Sally:Papa.
Phillip:Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you Terrance.
[Fart]
Phillip:Oh, now I see the resemblance.
Terrance:Well, enough of Iran, let’s get home.
[Aboard the plane,Flying Home]
[Fart]
[Laughter]
[Canadian Airport - 3:45 P.M.]
Terrance:Well, now that I’ve got my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion’s house and asking her to marry me again.
Phillip:Oh, raspberries, looks like I’m losing a friend.
Terrance:No, you’re gaining a pop vocalist.
Phillip:Oh my God! What is this?!?
[Dramatic Music]
Large paintings of Saddam Hussein hang from the buildings.
Phillip:Is this Canada?
Terrance:It seems to have changed.
Phillip:This is madness!
[Commercial]
[Outside the Airport]
Terrance:What’s going on Phillip? How could Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?
Phillip:I don’t know Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?
Terrance:I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
[Celine Dion's House - 4:02 P.M.]
Terrance:Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that…
Celine Dion:Terrance, uh, could you come back a little later?
Terrance:Why?
Celine Dion:Uh, I’m just a little busy right now.
Terrance:You’ve got a man over, don’t you Celine Dion?
Celine Dion:Well, I…
Ugly Bob:Hi guys.
Phillip:Oh my God, it’s Ugly Bob!
Terrance:Wh
Ugly Bob:I’m doing Celine Dion, what’s it look like?
Terrance:Oh Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you’ve slept with Ugly Bob.
Celine Dion:What do you mean? Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
Phillip:Because that’s his name you stupid bitch.
Celine Dion:You told me your name was Handsome Bob.
Terrance:Look at him Celine Dion.
Terrance removes the bag from Bob’s head.
[Scream]
Phillip:Behold, his horrible face.
Celine Dion:Oh my God, he’s heinously ugly, and I am pregnant with his child!
Terrance:What?!? Noooooo!!!!!!
Celine Dion:I’m going to have a freak-baby!
Phillip:Oh, the humanity!
[Saddam Hussein's Candian H.Q. - 4:03 P.M.]
Scott:He Saddam, you helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that. But why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?
Saddam:Huh, oh that? Don’t worry guy, you just need a rest.
Scott:No, I don’t need a rest! I want to know what this is all aboot.
Saddam:Hey, relax fella, I’m just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, then I’m gonna head back to Iran.
Scott:I thought you were from Iraq.
Saddam:Iran, Iraq, what the hell’s the difference? Relax guy.
[Downtown Canada - 4:04 P.M.]
Iraqi Soldiers are marching through the streets.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Phillip, I’m convinced that something very, very not good is happening to Canada.
Phillip:Yes, I agree whole-fartedly.
[Laughter]
Scott:Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Terrance:Oh, hello Scott.
Scott:You’re not supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped…. Uh, I mean, how are you guys today?
Phillip:Wait, what were you saying?
Scott:Nothing, why?
Terrance:Hey Scott, guess what?
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Scott:Uh, I hate you more than ever Terrance and Phillip. I absolutely abhor you both.
Scott is motioning peculiarly at Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip:What are you doing Scott?
Scott:I’m wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip:Cancer?
Scott:That’s right, I’m trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance:Ah, stop that.
Terrance hides behind Phillip.
Phillip:Hey, don’t give me cancer.
[Saddam Hussein's Candian H.Q. - 4:05 P.M.]
U.S. Soldier:Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.
Saddam:Worried, aboot what? Take a load off, relax.
U.S. Soldier:You seem to be taking over Canada.
Saddam:Taking over Canada? Me? Hey, you need a rest fella. I’m not hiding any bombs.
U.S. Soldier:We didn’t say anything about bombs.
Saddam:Oh. You didn’t? Hey, relax.
U.S. Soldier:We’re giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada. After that, we’re going to bomb all of Iran.
Saddam:I’m from Iraq.
U.S. Soldier:Iran, Iraq, what’s the difference.
The U.S. Soldiers leave.
Iraqi Soldier:Uh, I hate Americans, please let me kill them!
Saddam:No, no, you need to relax guy. Remember the plan; first we take over Canada, then we’ll have the best of the female pop vocalists. After that we’ll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!
[Laughter]
Scott:What’s so funny?
Saddam:Nothing, relax buddy.
Scott:Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada.
Saddam:Oh, really?
Scott:You promised me they’d be gone for good. That was your part of the bargain.
Saddam:I changed my mind. Pray that I don’t change it any further.
The Iraqi Soldier chambers a round in his gun.
Scott:This deal’s getting worse all the time.
[Terrance and Phillips House - 4:06 P.M.]
Phillip:Hey Terrance, let’s watch American television.
Terrance:Yes, we can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid TV shows.
Phillip:Oh look, here’s a show.
A Jerry Springer episode is on.
Chick:Well fuck you.
A fight breaks out.
Jerry:Here’s our final slut.
[Laughter]
Terrance:Stupid.
Phillip:God damn their TV shows are lame.
Phillip:changes the channel.
Mephesto:The father of Eric Cartman is indeed…
[Laughter]
Phillip:Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance:They look like groundhogs.
Cartman:He’s my father?!?
Phillip changes the channel.
CNN Newscaster:And in other news, it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied quote "Hey, relax fella, you need a rest guy."
Terrance:Hey Phillip, isn’t that the smelly gentleman we’ve seen in pictures all over town?
Phillip:Yes, it is Terrance. According to that newsy he’s some kind of Turkish dictator.
Terrance:Well, we can’t just sit here and eat Kroff dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks.
[Phone ring]
[Laughter]
Phillip:That fart sounded like a ringing phone Terrance.
Terrance:It sure did Phillip.
[Phone ring]
Terrance:Oh wait, that is the phone.
Terrance answers the phone.
Terrance:Hello.
Scott:Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance:Oh, hey, it’s Scott.
Phillip:Tell him he’s a smelly bastard.
Terrance:Phillip says ‘hello’ Scott.
Scott:Just shut up and listen. You’ve unleashed a monster unto Canada and only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you and I wish you had cancer.
Terrance:You are such a dick Scott.
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
[Silence]
Scott:You’re a dick.
Terrance:You’re a dick.
Scott:The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada. You give other Canadians a bad name, and if I had my way….
Terrance:Oh, I’m sorry Scott, can you hold on a minute?
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:How do you like that Scott?
Scott:You son of a bitch, I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I….
Terrance:Oh wait, I have another call Scott. Can you hang on?
Scott:Sure.
[Fart]
Terrance:Oh, that was very smelly. He says hello.
Scott:God damn it.
Terrance:Oh, wait a second Scott.
Scott:Sure. I mean no. You listen to me, if you want to save Canada you’ll meet me at Karl’s Kroff Dinner restaurant in half-an-hour.
[Celine Dion's House - 4:07 P.M.]
Ugly Bob and Celine Dion are lying in bed.
Celine Dion:Oh Ugly Bob, I’m so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
Ugly Bob:Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
Celine Dion:We can only hope. I suppose we’ll be ok as long as you keep that bag on your head.
Some Iraqis barge into Celine’s house.
Celine Dion:What’s this?!?
Saddam:Hey there, my name’s Saddam. I’m a big fan of polo. I’ve been searching a long time for you Celine Dion.
Ugly Bob:Oh no you don’t, she’s my bitch.
Saddam:Hey, who are you?
Ugly Bob:I’m Bob, but my friends call me Ugly Bob because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Saddam:Really, I thought all Candians looked alike. Let me see.
Ugly Bob removes the bag.
[Screams]
Saddam:Wow, I’m sorry guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours.
Ugly Bob:You could?
Saddam:Sure, I just need a favor. There’s a Candian football game tomorrow; the Ottawa Rough-Riders against the Vancouver Roughriders. It’s at that game that I will officialy turn the Candian flag over to my Iranian one.
Celine Dion:What?!? Why?!?
Saddam:Hey, don’t worry about that. Take a load off. Don’t think about it. Look over here.
Saddam points to a wall.
Saddam:All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game, to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. Whaddaya say?
Ugly Bob:Did you say ‘hostile takeover of Canada?’
Saddam:No, no, relax there fella.
Celine Dion replaces the bag on Ugly Bob’s head.
[Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace - 4:36 P.M.]
Terrance:Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he’s not showing up.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:Oh no.
Phillip:Well, while we’re waiting, why don’t we search for treasure?
Terrance:Oh, good idea. Let’s search for treasure.
Terrance and Phillip begin looking about.
Scott:What are you idiot’s doing?
Terrance:We’re looking for treasure.
Scott:Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can’t be described?
Phillip:No, we’re searching for treasure.
Scott:Listen, I have an inside scoop. There’s an Iraqi dictator who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Terrance:Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.
Scott:Well, what are you two going to do aboot it?
Phillip:What do you mean?
Scott:It’s your fault that he’s here. You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane, when you rescued your kidnapped daughter.
[Gasp]
Phillip:You mean we are to blame?
Scott:That’s right, and now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada at the Rough-Riders Roughriders game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this.
Phillip:What is this?
Scott:It’s a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam’s minions.
Terrance:That sounds scary.
Scott:Well, you must do it for Canada.
Phillip:For Canada Terrance.
Terance:For Canada Phillip.
Terrance and Phillip walk away with the bomb in hand.
Scott:Yes Terrance and Phillip, and when the dust is settled Canada will be rid of both the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.
[Commercial]
[Terrance and Phillip's House - 12:20 P.M.]
Terrance:Well, Phillip, I’m very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Phillip:Yes, this bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Terrance:That’s smelly.
Phillip:Wait a minute, Terrance, that fart gives me pause.
Terrance:Why is that?
Phillip:That smelly Saddam Hussein, he uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?
Terrance:Yes, apparently he does.
Phillip:Terrance, get the phone book, we must call every Canadian we can.
Terrance:Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have an idea.
Phillip:I do Terrance.
Phillip begins dialing the phone.
Barky walks by.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
[Canada Stadium - 11:32 A.M.]
Game Announcer:And the Rough-Riders are really giving the Roughriders a run for their money. All else aside, I must say that the Rough-Riders are simply outmatched by these Roughriders.
The game clock winds down to half-time.
The horn sounds.
Game Announcer:And that’s going to take us to half-time. Be sure to stick around for the half-time show, Saddam and the Electric Iraqis and a salute to hostile takeovers.
A band marches across the field.
Terrance:Well, I guess it’s time old friend.
Phillip:Yes, prepare the alert.
Saddam:Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax, take a rest, put your feet up ’cause those dogs are barking.
The crowd looks about confused.
Saddam:You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don’t worry about that, the changes will continue. I’m here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad. Kalookh Kalakh!
An Iraqi flag is raised in place of the Canadian one.
[Gasp]
Saddam:You will bow down to me as your ruler. You will obey my laws or you will be killed.
[Laughter]
Saddam:And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem, or you will be stabbed in the head.
Celine Dion:Shtut malakh shtut, inka inka bruscht.
Terrance:Now Phillip?
Phillip:Now Terrance.
Terrance sounds his horn.
Everybody in the stadium puts on a gasmask.
Saddam:Hey, what the hell is this?
Celine Dion:Frakh o shtut koolakh koolakh a shtut.
Farting takes place on a stadium-wide scale, moons abound.
A huge fart cloud envelops the stadium.
Iraqi Soldier:They’re using chemical warfare, how could they?
Saddam falls off of the stage gasping for breath, then dies.
The cloud dissipates.
The Iraqi flag falls, one again revealing the Maple Leaf.
Terrance:We did it Phillip, we destroyed the Turks.
Phillip:Oh, glorious day.
Somebody begins kicking Saddam in the head.
Another kicks him in the ass, while yet another begins jumping up and down on the corpse.
Celine Dion and Ugly Bob remove their gasmasks.
Celine Dion replaces the bag on Ugly Bob’s head.
A lady rips Saddams arm clean off.
A dude takes his head off.
Celine Dion:Terrance, Terrance, you’ve saved Canada.
Terrance:Oh, it was all Phillips idea.
Ugly Bob:God bless you Phillip.
Phillip:Don’t touch me Ugly Bob.
Scott:Hey, what the hell happened, you were supposed to be blown up.
Phillip:We came up with a better plan. You see Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada.
Scott:Oh, that is so juvenile.
Terrance:Hey Scott, do you like apples?
Scott:Of course.
[Fart]
Terrance:How do you like them apples?
[Laughter]
Scott:I hate you Terrance and Phillip!!!
Terrance:Oh Celine Dion, you never finished that national anthem.
Celine Dion:You’re right Terrance, you’re right.
Celine Dion takes the microphone.
Celine Dion:O Canada!
Canadians:Our home and native land!True patriot love in all thy sons command.With glowing hearts we see thee rise,The True North strong and free!From far and wide,O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.God keep our land glorious and free!O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
The credits roll.
South Park Announcer:Who is Cartman’s Father, find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.
[fin]
Transcribed by Shannon ‘BlackBart’ Greene
Copyright ©1998 Comedy Central